Cup Half Full

Did you think I forgot about you?! Well, I didn't, it's just that the 3rd round has been a doozy! Man I was sick. So sick, even typing seemed too much.

I got home Saturday night, the 10th, and it has taken the last 5 days to really feel like I can function. I felt extra poisoned this round...because I was. They upped my dose of chemo because my levels didn't drop very much round 2, so they gave me more for my money on round 3. So sweet huh?!

They said I wouldn't really notice...ya right. I am more weak, my fingertips became numb, tingly, and the skin flaked off, i had more intense and long lasting body aches, more nausea, ear aches, back aches, and sharp bone pains. I felt so yucky that I fevered again. I was so bummed. I packed a bag and headed to Huntsman tuesday night. LUCKILY there was no infection or sign of virus, just the side effects of chemo. But that wasn't a very fun visit. One, because they had to access my port, which I love so much, and two, because my port had clogged. They could not draw blood from it, so they poked me everywhere else, multiple times, to get all the labs they needed. I am usually very tough and brave, but when they were trying to get my port to work, and poking me with the nasty port needle, it hurt so bad I said, "Owe Owe Owe, stop!" Poor Jake, I just remember the heartbroken look on his face as I said that.

*weird side effects of chemo. Numb, tingly, and flakey fingertips

*Pre-poking (so I was still smiling), crossing my fingers I could go home and not be admitted.

*my enemy, the port needle. (I don't know why I hate it so much, I just do.)

Later, as I layed on my back, trying not to cry, nurses working on both sides of me, poking and drawing blood, I was praying and asking Heavenly Father to let this one thing go smoothly. It didn't. I had to go back in the next day to be poked again and have a sort of "drain-o" medicine flushed through my port. It made me sad and annoyed for a moment, but then I realized how lucky and blessed I was as I talked to the nurse. (Oh, and by this time, I was crying)

"You know, this is going to be really hard and yucky for a little bit, but then it will be over! Just think, you can say you did it for your husband, your children, and all of your friends and family and it will be behind you :)"

At the very moment she said that, I felt like shoving a sock in her mouth, but she is so right. It will be over soon and that is a blessing.

I was having a 'glass half empty' moment because I think the hard half is coming. My body is weaker and I get more sick with each round. On the days I felt so yucky and heard, "only three more!" I felt so disheartened. Three more rounds of chemo is not something to look forward to. BUT that was just a bad day and I am tooting a different horn. Maybe the fact that I bought some new swimming suits online to have something to look forward to helped me feel better ;)

I will tell you what does make me feel better, and what has been on my mind, this week especially...Hearing from all of you! You guys make me feel so good. I wanted to thank you for taking the time, and going through the effort, to leave a comment, send me a text, a message, a card, sharing your personal experiences with me, stopping me out in public, especially when we've never met, or just saying hi. You can't imagine how much it brightens my day and helps me stay happy and positive. Knowing, seeing, and feeling all of the love that surrounds me is the greatest gift and most effective medicine out there :)

It has been so cool to hear that my blog has inspired, uplifted, or affected your life in some way. That is all I wanted through this experience and hearing that from you makes this trial worth it. I will gladly go through three more rounds of chemo, if it means I make new friends, put a smile on a face, or lift a burden for a moment. That is what this life if all about. Serving and loving one another, for when we do, we are blessed and feel loved.

People are good. You are good. You inspire me and show me ways I can love and give. So please, if you see me at Costco buying a box of fruit by the foot, or at Del Taco stuffing my face with bean burritos (Yep, those are the newest cravings) please stop me and say hi! It will be the highlight of my day :)

xoxo Jen

P.s. How cool is THIS ?! Thank you Angie, from the Standard Examiner!