I "neglected my relationship"
Updated: Feb 20, 2018
It's official, being sick at home is way better than being sick at the hospital!
I had decided to try being an outpatient for my 4th round of chemo, and it was great! After getting all hooked up and geared up with my fanny pack pump, I was ready to 'enjoy' the next 5 days at home, with my family, while receiving my treatment. Once a day, a nurse came to my house and switched out my chemo bag, but other than that, life was pretty normal. Well, normal in my terms right now. I still felt sick and nauseous, but I felt so much better because I was with my family, I could eat all of the random weird things I wanted, I could get up, play legos or help with lunch and get my mind off of how yucky I felt. I didn't feel trapped, I could go on a ride and get a drink at the gas station, or just relax in my comfy bed. I like to think that my kids really liked having me there too :)
*BOOM! Round 4 done!
It's four days post chemo, and I'm feelin pretty good. More normal side effects... light headed, nauseous, fatigue, tingly and numb fingers, and achey. So things are moving right along and YAHOO!, only 2 more rounds to go!! As Jake and I were walking out of Huntsman, after being disconnected this last round, he brought that up, "only two more!" It was a great thought, but also yucky. (i'm never very optimistic during or right after a round of chemo, ha) As we walked, and talked, about the countdown, my eyes started filling with tears and 'the knot' started forming in my throat. Just the thought of how I will feel, walking out of the hospital after that 6th round was causing me to come apart. I haven't really had a breakdown through this whole ordeal...I have a feeling it's coming.
Last night, after Jake and I had put the kids in bed, we did our usual routine of falling onto the couch, hand in hand, exchanging a tired smile, then letting out a big sigh of relief (maybe even a hint of defeat too ;)). We got through another day, hallelujah!
I had been waiting all day for this moment. I had something weighing on my mind and heart. I needed his help. I needed him to give me a blessing.
You see, the last few weeks I have been feeling weak. I felt my attitude starting to change, I wasn't feeling the peace I had felt at the beginning of all of this, and I guess you could say I was feeling unsettled.
The newness has worn off, and the reality has set in. I'm right in the thick of it and didn't like how I was feeling. What had changed? I still had cancer, I still had unbelievable amounts of love and support surrounding me...I had changed. The problem was me.
I had let a bad day, feeling so sick and not being able to read my scriptures, turn into three, four, five 'bad days.' I let myself stay up too late and get so tired, that by the time I was in my bedroom I was instantly asleep, and whoops, forgot to say my prayers again.
Jake said it perfectly in my blessing, "as you have realized that you have neglected your relationship with your Heavenly Father, I bless you to have the strength and courage to make the necessary changes you need to to feel His peace and power in your life again." He also blessed me with patience and blessed me that the habits I form now will forever bless my life, along with the lives of my children.
The words "patience" and "habits" stood out to me, because just that morning, I had pondered both of those words. Once during my scripture study, when I read,
"...nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."
And earlier that morning, when my sweet uncle, who sends me an uplifting quote or scripture EVERY DAY, sent,
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."
Well that was just awesome. I was choosing extra sleep and scrolling through instagram as my habit. How sad is that?!
Now, this happens a lot in my life. I hit plateaus, or I let myself get sidetracked by the world. And every time I do, those feelings of weakness, lack of peace, and feeling unsettled come creeping in. And you know what, it's okay. Because I am human. I will make mistakes and side step sometimes, probably a lot of times. But what I believe to be important, is what we do when we realize we have strayed a little bit.
We have the choice. And i'm grateful that I don't have to feel those negative feelings in my life, if I choose not to. What a blessing it is to know that if I live a Christ centered life, He will take all of those feelings from me, and He will carry them.
So today, I am renewed. I have gotten back my strength, my positive outlook, my feeling of peace and the desire to be a little better and do a little more. As I shared earlier, in my blessing, Jake blessed me with strength and courage to make necessary changes. Well, mornings have been really hard for me since being sick. I feel the yuckiest in the morning. But when he spoke those words, I immediately felt, and knew, that if I exercised faith, and did all in my power to wake up and prepare myself, my mornings would be a blessed time to study, pray, and write on my blog :)
And it's working! Here's to day 2 of waking up at 5 am, eating, and letting all of my medicine set in...cheers!
I am so grateful for the atonement. I am a very imperfect person, but Jesus Christ gave me the gift of repentance. And how grateful I am!, because without it, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Love you all :)