It Is Worth It

Alright, i'm comin to ya from my hospital bed at Huntsman...Round 2, chemo bag 5 of 5. whoop whoop, almost done! Each bag drips for 24 hours, so hopefully I can get home tonight. Get me home to my babies!

It's amazing how a little bit of knowledge and experience can help out in this situation. This round has gone a lot smoother than the first. I have felt very nauseous this go around and am constantly trying to keep that at bay, along with trying to make myself eat. Nothing sounds, or looks good, and I want to barf just thinking of food. But I am more coherent and with-it this go around, ha, so that's saying something.

The night before (Tuesday night) I was to be admitted for this round, I was a mess. I was very uptight, and I could not stop organizing and puttering around. I was putting off packing because subconsciously, I did not want to do this again.

And then I heard some angelic singing outside my door. I was right, there were angels out there, It was the Young Men and Women, with the Leaders, from the mutual group that I serve with in my ward. That was the last straw. I was a total mess. While they smiled and sang to me, I stood, with my face in my hands, and cried. Oh how I miss serving them and being around their infectious spirits.

The crying didn't stop there, I hid in my dark bathroom and sobbed. I hadn't really had a good cry like that yet. Of course I have cried, but this was more of a, "this stinks. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate leaving my children. And I really hate putting such a big load on my family, especially my mom and mother in law. I'm sick of being sick." So see, i'm not always happy and positive ha. I was nervous. Being admitted for 5 days to receive chemo, getting poked, and just waiting for the sickness to come, is not really something to look forward to, but, once I got here and got all situated, everything was just fine. Like with a lot of things, it's the anticipation that is killer.

*Blaring Taylor Swift, trying to distract myself from the yuckiness of accessing my port.

Luckily for me, things are going right on track. my tumor has shrunk "considerably." It started out at 13 cm, and is now down to 7 cm, and that was after the first round of chemo. In my Dr's words, "it melts like butter." I could feel an immediate difference after the first round. No more coughing attacks, or any sort of arm or chest pain. It's been pretty amazing.

There have been many lessons learned so far, mostly of the goodness of all of you around me. I am truly humbled and in awe. Another lesson I am learning is patience. Yes, I am sick of being sick. I want to be the fun, active mom I was before cancer. I want to serve and work all day long, without faint. I want to go out and show my kids the magic of Christmas. But I will stop myself there, because we have been shown the goodness of God and the magic of Christmas 10 fold this year. This will be a Christmas to remember and cherish all of our lives.

As I was studying my scriptures today, I read some beautiful verses that were just what I needed to hear. They gave me hope, strength, faith, and the desire to keep moving forward with a happy heart and big smile, for I am blessed.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens that were laid upon {them} were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Mosiah 24:14-15

So yes, being sick definitely has it's downs, but oh, the blessings, promises, and knowledge gained is well worth it. I love my Heavenly Father. He is pouring out blessing upon all of those around me. He knows my heart and he knows my needs. He knew he had the biggest army of valiant soldiers all around me, ready to serve and uplift. Thank you for being my earthly angels and fighting so valiantly for me. I love you.

Now enjoy this beautiful song that a dear friend shared with me on a night I needed to hear it most.

Xoxo Jen