Updated: Feb 20, 2018
Well, apparently I am immune to all sleeping aids, because this is the third night in a row waking up, checking my phone, and realizing i'd only been asleep for two hours... ugh. But at least it gives me time to write :)
I've been home for almost three days now, and what I can say is, thank heaven for time and brand new days. Tuesday was my yuckiest day yet. I cannot describe to you how awful I felt. The only way i've been able to try to put into words how I was feeling, was poisoned. I felt like my whole body was totally poisoned (It practically was) and it was doing everything possible to get the poison out. Not only was I trying to deal with nausea, I was tired, I had earaches, headaches, body aches, and let's not talk about the bathroom... I'll tell you, I was not feeling very positive or hopeful that day. I thought to myself multiple times, ' I cannot do this. Not for one more hour, especially not months!'
But that's why I say thank heaven for time and brand new days, because yesterday was so much better, and now I know, though i'll have yucky days, at least there's hope for better ones.
I am not very independent anymore. I am not allowed to change diapers (I know what you're thinking, #winning, it's actually very hard and frustrating) touch dirty laundry, go to the grocery store or crowded places, and I have to get shots every day at the clinic, so someone's having to drive me around too. I'm quite worthless actually. So, as you can see, cancer has affected my whole family, and they are my heroes. Jake, the kids, and I have not needed for one thing. Everyone has jumped up and taken over without us even needing to utter a word. I do not know what deal I made before I came to this earth, but I must have been one heck of a business woman to have been blessed with my family.
A lot of people ask and wonder about my hair. The answer is yes, I will lose all of my hair. The other answers are no, I am not sad and I don't want to wear wigs or crazy hats. I am going to embrace the bald! But I couldn't just sit around and wait for it to fall out, that'd be boring! So I called my friend Ashlyn to help a sista out :) I had never colored my hair because I knew once I started, i'd be addicted. Well it's not often you get the chance to have virgin hair twice in your life, so it was now or never! I decided rather than looking like a mangy alley cat when my hair starts to fall out, i'd chop it off, dye it bright purple, and have fun hair for a couple of weeks! Naturally ;)
Ashlyn was so sweet, came to my home, and gave me the star treatment. It was so much fun getting my mind off of things and enjoying the journey.
There is so much to be grateful for and I feel so lucky. I have a comfortable home where i'm surrounded by people who love me and where I can rest. For my darling husband, who tickles my back every night until I fall asleep, who later wakes me up by trying to sneak and take my temperature to make sure I haven't spiked a fever since falling asleep. Haha he's so cute. For my beautiful children, who's pure spirits are so aware and sensitive to my situation. I cherish the moments when they take my hand and help guide me to bed because they can see I need to rest, or when they walk to my bedside, looking at me with their big brown sparkling eyes and say with a smile, "can I join you?" That is what matters most.
I know that I have no clue everything others are doing for me, prayers being uttered, happy thoughts sent, silent acts of kindness and humble giving that is going on, and it worries me that I will never be able to thank you all enough. Please know that I too am praying for you. I am praying Heavenly Father blesses you and your families for the Christlike love you are showing me and mine. I pray He is sustaining you, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and temporally. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.