"They'll Think Someone Died"
Updated: Feb 20, 2018
Wow, what a fantastic Christmas! We kept it simple, stuck around, and just enjoyed spending time with our families. Right now I am feeling especially grateful that I was feeling so well for all of the festivities, because today, I am NOT feelin' so hot. And I will tell you, because of the inner ambulance chaser in me, that what I am feeling are flu-like symptoms. I feel achey all over, tired, nauseous, stomach ache anytime I eat something, and then the bone pain from my daily injection is in full effect. But maybe the fact that Jake and I stayed up until midnight taking down Christmas, or going grocery shopping at 6 am has something to do with it ;) Rest. Rest is now the only activity on the agenda.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and wanted to share an experience with you.
As you know, I am 25 years old and have three children, ages 4, 3, and 2. Well, two years ago, I was 23 years old, with three children, ages 2, 1, and brand new...yes, it was as crazy (and equally as amazing) as you are imagining. My heart was overflowing with love for my little angels, but it was also heavy with a lot of other feelings too, the most common, overwhelmed. I cannot tell you how many times i'd lock myself in my room, sit in my closet, and cry. It was funny, my greatest joy and blessing was also my greatest trial.
One particular day, probably after picking up the same mess ten times, being pooped on, giving five baths, not being able to shower, and after burning dinner, I was at a low. Jake and I were chatting and I mentioned wanting to get my hair done. Well, the poor guy and bless his heart, said something to the effect of, "Why would you spend the money to get your hair done when you don't get ready anyway?" Now, I have to stop there and tell you that my husband is the most kind and loving man you will ever meet! This very unfortunate slip was one of those true and logical comments that just came out before he could ever register the mistake he was making. Haha and oh boy, did he regret it!
Tears. Anger. Depletion. I was so sad. I got up, grabbed the keys, and through A LOT of tears spatted back at him, "Don't you think I'd like to get ready?!"
I was out of there, trying to drive through the tears that were overflowing from my eyes and drenching my lap. 'Where am I going to go? I am a mess.' Then a stroke of genius hit me! The cemetery. 'I'll go to the cemetery because if anyone sees me, they'll think someone died!'
I parked my car under a tree, by a headstone with an angel statue on it, and sobbed. It was one of those really good cries. The ones where you cry about anything and everything you've been keeping inside for who knows how long. While having a little come apart, I was talking to my Heavenly Father. (haha so now, to any passerbyer, there is a crazy girl, in her car, talking to herself and having an emotional breakdown.) I told Him everything. I told Him how overwhelmed I was. I told Him that I was angry and frustrated. I let Him know how much I missed having more time for myself. I wondered how I was supposed to do it all?, I knew He wanted me to pray and read my scriptures every day, well if He wanted me to do that, couldn't He help me out by letting the kids be peaceful and mess free for ten minutes? Long story short, I cried and prayed for a really long time and told my Heavenly Father EVERYTHING.
Fast forward two years. Jake and I are sitting in my Dr's office. I am again feeling a lot of emotions, one of them being overwhelmed. But this time, I was overwhelmed for other reasons. We had been talking with my new cancer doctor. We had a lot of questions and He was great, never making us feel rushed or dumb for asking what was on our mind. Soon, He looked at me, and with very caring eyes said, "Now, I have to ask this, are you done growing your family?"
I had been so strong up until that point. I had fought off tears for a full hour and was feeling very proud of myself. But with that one question, I was no longer tough. Tears filled my eyes, as all at once, I had so many distinct feelings and impressions...'I love you. Now you know why. Your family is complete. I know you. I love you.'
With wet eyes and a broken voice, I told him, "Yes."
Heavenly Father is amazing. I felt his spirit so strong in that moment. I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was so grateful to Him for His perfect plan for me. I knew in that moment why we were so blessed with our beautiful children so quickly. He knew.
Now I laugh every time I think back on that day, crying and praying in the cemetery. I have learned that one, everyone should drive to the cemetery when they need a good cry, and two, that Heavenly Father wants us to talk to Him. He cares about what makes us happy, sad, mad, or annoyed. He cares about the littlest things and is always there to comfort us, if we turn to Him. And I will say, though it took starting a new schedule of waking up at 5 am every day to study and pray, He also helped me find time to prioritize, shower, and start my days off ahead of the game :)
The Lord answers prayers. We may not find out the answers until a while down the road, but even then, from my experience, when I try my hardest to be my best, He blesses me along the way and gives me strength until one day, I receive my answer.
Today's scripture I enjoyed...
"...pray without ceasing and give thanks in all things."